Great Sex
Growing up Nisei, a second-generation Japanese-American kid, I don’t remember seeing my parents lip kiss. Was that because of Japanese modesty or was that just my family’s style? I don’t know, but sex was not something I was naturally comfortable talking about.
Today, because I am a health educator, I work with people who are very comfortable talking about sex. And not just the vaginal – penile mix. Oral, anal, masturbation, internet sex, guy on guy, woman on woman, guy on guy and woman (add your own combination), average penis size, condoms, dental dams, glass dildos, vibrators, “two girls and a cup” or whatever floats your boat.
But they don’t stop there: contraception methods, increasing your and your partner(s)’ pleasure, sexually transmitted infections prevention and treatment, pregnancy and how to know yourself better are a few of the many additional topics they are comfortable discussing with others.
Who are these people?
The Sex and Relationship Interns. These S & R Interns are UCSB students trained through ED191A: Sex & Relationships. They also distribute thousands of condoms with instructions to remind us all of the seven correct steps of using condoms. They also put on awareness events like Worlds AIDS day in the fall, Sexual Responsibility Week in the winter and The Sex Affair in the spring.
Of all the thing the interns have taught me, one of my favorites is the Hard C.O.R.E. ways to avoid regret. It works like this:
C = Clarifying your intentions. You have to know what you want and don’t want sexually. It has to be specific, like “I like to be spanked four or five times, but when I say stop, I mean stop” or “I don’t want to go down on you today.”
O = Discuss your Options. The goal is win-win; people respectfully discuss their needs and wants so everyone understands each others’ desires and comfort levels. The goal is NOT to be a shark negotiator who wins at the cost of others. If that’s you, save that for the board room, not the bed room.
R = Reach an agreement. With your partner(s), decide what you all are going to do and not do. Respecting yourself and others is the key.
E = Enjoy or Exit. If you agree – great. If you disagree – great. Either way, stand up for your values by using your words and actions.
“Anxiety is the opposite of organism,” say the S&R interns. “The C.O.R.E model is one way to shed anxiety before getting naked.”
The cool thing with the C.O.R.E. method is that you can use it in non-sexual relationships and situations. Disagree on household chores? Go hard C.O.R.E. Worrying about your friends partying too much? Use hard C.O.R.E.
Regardless if you are saving your virginity for marriage or sowing the seeds of love right now, get comfortable talking. Communication will lead to more pleasure. Know yourself, respect yourself and others.
Some additional resources:
http://www.ucsbpeerhealth.org/sex/HealthInformation/HealthTopics/
http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/
Wellness tip of the week: If you missed the Office of Student Life activities fair last Wednesday, find a campus club/org at http://www.sa.ucsb.edu/orgs/search/index.asp?action=searchbycategory. There are approximately 300 to choose from. Getting involved in a club on-campus can lead to better grades, less stress and getting more out of the college experience.
Michael Takahara is a health educator at Student Health. Post comments, suggestions, questions here or email Michael.takahara@sa.ucsb.edu.
9 Responses to “Great Sex”
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Love the C.O.R.E model-great article!
Maka keeps it real…people who are having good sex usually start with good conversation about it!
Great article Maka. I really like how well you explain the Hard C.O.R.E. model and show that it has to do with not only respecting your partner(s)’ body, but your own body also!! Knowing what you like/want is so important before getting involved…don’t be afraid to express your desires and limits with others. Also…I like that you point out this model is not only used with relationships between partners, but also with friends and family. Being able to clarify your values and expectations builds great bonds between people!!
You said it best… “Go hard C.O.R.E”!
the C.O.R.E. model is such a useful tool for communication!
and as a Yonsei (fourth generation Japanese) sex isn’t talked about much in the family and now I’m an S&R Intern!
Reading this article was like finding a little treat in my backpack. So enjoyable! Thanks for writing so openly, with great humor, and highlighting out- there- in- your -face encouragement for where the real pleasure begins…ah, sweet communication…
Loved the article, great way to help educate the public about our internships! Not to mention helpful advice for all!
Maka, great article! Fun to read. Informative , great resources (:
I love your intro story… it has really got me thinking about all the factors that affect the communication in my own relationships and what I can do to improve it. Thanks!
I am glad you are writing these articles. This is a great added electronic resource for UCSB students (and others!)
good to see your doin somethin good for others its what ya always wanted.