Fortunately / Unfortunately

Unfortunately, I’m not average. According to the Kinsey Institute the average 18-29 year old American has sex 2.15 times a week. I’m more like 1.6 times a week, the .6 being that there are times my partner and I have sex more than once per week. But there are also mornings when we start snuggling and one of our Takahara ninja kids sneaks into our room and says, “Good Morning!” Remind me to get a lock for my bedroom door.

Fortunately, I’m not average. According to the 2008 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey only 48 percent of the 53 percent of Americans who have sex each week are satisfied with their sex life. I’m more like 90 percent satisfied. Satisfaction factors are physical (i.e. ability to achieve orgasm; free from sexual dysfunction; frequency of sex and foreplay; free from stress and in good mental and physical health) and emotional (feeling close to your partner, loved, respected and secure; having an exciting sex life; and a good first sexual experience).

For me, being loved, respected and feeling close to my partner are the most important values for our sexual satisfaction. When those values are true we are most likely to get it on. Even during those rare times I don’t orgasm during sex, when I feel loved, respected and close to my partner, it feels very satisfying to please her and share that intimate moment together.

Practice also helps our satisfaction. We’ve been married almost fifteen years. When you do the math that means we’ve had sex with each other over 1,000 times. After having sex 1,000+ times with the same partner, I have a better idea of what she likes, what turns her on and how to satisfy her.

I have a good idea how to please her, which means I can’t just jump on her when I’m horny. If I did, there is a chance it might be exciting. There is also a chance she will be annoyed, or worse, hurt. I like taking chances when I play sports and games. But I don’t like to take chances with my partner’s feelings and well being. Being annoying or hurtful is a good way to turn off your partner. And turning off your partner is a great way to have an unsatisfying sexual life.

Fortunately, my partner tells me, “If you want to have sex with me, ask me. Have I ever said no? I might not always be in the mood when you ask, but as we get into it I always end up having a good time. So ask.” She is a wise woman; that is good advice. Ask and you may receive.

How do you ask? Especially when it’s a new relationship? Use the CORE method again. Know yourself, respect yourself and respect others. Sex will be more satisfying if everyone is into it.

Unfortunately, we know there is a minority of people who do not respect others when it comes to sex. They put themselves before others. In the worst cases they look for ways to take advantage of others sexually. As our Rape Prevention Education Program, Student Stopping Rape and Men Against Rape remind us, consent means two (or more) people deciding together to do the same thing, at the same time, in the same way, with each other. Consent must be given freely and not under pressure. If you have to convince someone to do something sexually by begging, cajoling, manipulating and/or getting them drunk, they most likely not ready or into what you want. BACK OFF! They, their family, their friends and our community don’t want you to hurt them. We want you to show them the respect we all deserve as human beings.

Once again, life-long sexual satisfaction factors are both physical and emotional. It’s great to have the skills to use a sex swing well but it is not enough. One should also strive to bring respect and security to your intimate relationships. Work on your both your physical and emotional love making skills. I want you all to have satisfying sexual lives.

Michael Takahara is a health educator at Student Health. Post comments, suggestions, questions or your wellness tips here or email Michael.takahara@sa.ucsb.edu.