The Three Commandments

Escape From IV: Extreme Edition

Yeah the Ten Commandments are great. After all, who can argue with the irrefutable logic of Thou shalt not murder? If you weren’t satisfied with that kind of rock solid logic (it’s a joke, get it?) here are a few more that a friend and I discovered while in Prague this summer

THOU SHALT NOT GET LOST

This isn’t the friendly “hey darling let’s get lost together,” that you might to say to some beautiful person on a date. No, this is the less enticing “let’s walk through dark parks full of muggers, avoid drunks, and ask for directions in a language we don’t understand, while carrying forty pounds of luggage” kind of lost. After leaving the airport, our directions to the hostel stated that we needed to get on a bus. One bus, two subway trains, a walk through a really sketchy park and a tram ride later, we arrived at what we thought was the street our hostel was on. We were wrong. Not only did we seem to have gone the wrong direction, but when we asked for directions by pointing to the hostel on our map our potential guide explained in broken English, “it impossible, not close.” Not exactly encouraging. As the clock ticked further past 11 p.m. and closer to Tuesday, we found ourselves avoiding drunks, drug dealers and strip club bouncers, all very interested in taking our money one way or another

THOU SHALT NOT TRUST PUB CRAWLS

While not exactly wisdom of biblical proportions, this tip is incredibly important. Eric and I decided to venture out on a Pub Crawl. We should have known to just cut our losses and leave when we received our coupon for a “free” t-shirt with a 45-koruna purchase. This is, of course, the “free” shirt that we were promised on the flyer. (Note to self: never get lured by free t-shirts again.) Later that night after an hour and a half of bad beer and even worse wine (also free, except for that nasty $24 fee) we headed off to the first bar where we were given a free shot of what can most easily be described as a melted Slurpee. At the conclusion of the night, we had been abandoned by our leaders, assaulted by bouncers and found ourselves lost on the wrong side of the river Vltava asking for directions from a woman who replied “From here I think is impossible.” This is definitely not what my dad had in mind when he told me to be safe while traveling

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BUY A SUBWAY TICKET

We had been informed that no one ever checks the tickets on the Metro. This is a lie. On our last day in Prague, we had run out of the local currency and only had Euros. When the attendant informed us that Euro would not be accepted, we decided to take the chance and descended into the subway. Upon reaching the platform we were relieved to find that they were checking tickets on the opposite platform. We were relieved, of course, until we realized that we were on the wrong side. In order to buy a ticket we then had to climb three flights of stairs and find a change station. After standing at the window for five minutes, I asked the woman who had directed me to the change station if anyone could help us. She politely informed me that it was closed despite the fact that she had just led me to believe that all my cash changing needs would be met at said location. After finding an open change station, purchasing a ticket, validating it and descending a final flight of stairs (all with forty pounds of luggage), we found ourselves confronted by a woman with a badge and an angry disposition that demanded my ticket in some language with too many consonants. Purchasing that ticket may have been the best $3.50 I have spent this year

Go on, give em a try, and if you don’t want to, well, you don’t have to take my word for it.

Daily Nexus Escape from I.V.: Extreme Edition columnist Jimmy Fremgen’s Prague-nosis after the trip was not good.